It's almost 5 am in the morning and i can't sleep.
Then, my mind wandering off in this little insignificant things i've been enjoying within the past few weeks
We, a lot of people, including me loves the future. We're always keen on knowing what's going to happen next. Wanting to know what the future looks like, or feels like.
All these while, i probably think i wanted to be in the future. Of course, gradually we're going to that exact future we've been imagining of, but we can never really understand what future is unless we enjoy the moment, now, the present.
When i was under eighteen, i always wanted to be eighteen. A lot of reasons wants me to be eighteen. When i'm eighteen, i can smoke anywhere and everywhere i wanted to without having to be afraid of being seen by the police or your parents, or anyone related to you. I don't really know why but smoking seems like some sort of criminal back then where we have to sneak out every now and then just for fuck sake, to smoke.
I still remember back then where i was almost being expelled from my high school coz the warden found a box of cigarettes. Fuck, this brings back the memory.
Another reason? I wanted to have a license to ride a motorcycle, driving a car, and wanted to act all adult in this and that, you know, the activity only adult people have the so called privilege to do. Besides that, i want my rights to vote for the right candidates or the right government too.
I want my right to watch porn. Seriously, i don't get it why i have to be an adult to watch porn. hahaha. I remember back then when one of my siblings if i'm not mistaken reveal my activity watching porn. This is kinda embarrassing but it happened, so wtf. (embaRRaSSing - i googled this). I can't precisely remember how all of this 'kantoi' back then, but it might be the blue cd's or the history on the browser. Either one. Blue cd's, fuck yeah, thats reminiscing. hahaha. Why the fuck am i telling u guys all of these stories anyway? Oh, ya, the future and being adult and all.
Yes, now i am an adult, considering i can work and am working and i can support myself with my 'kaput' salary.
Now, i am an adult. Now i have my driving license, i can smoke anywhere and everywhere i wanted to, (not in my house, with all due respect since none in my family members are smoking), i can ride motorcycles, i can drive, i can watch porn, i can vote my political representatives, and i have a job, and my salary to provide myself with this and that every now and then.
OH, i forgot. When i was an underage back then, i wanted to work so much, because u know, u've got no handsome allowance when u're still schooling back then and i was a little richer when i'm in high school since my allowance kinda doubled or tripled because you know, my parents cannot visit me weekly just to give me my allowance, so, i'll get my monthly allowances.
Now motherfucker, i'm working my ass off just to get that cukup-cukup makan salary.
Once i'm an adult and i can do all those things i always wanted to do back then when i was younger, things are not getting easier. Yes, i always think its a little bit easier when i am an adult but things are seriously getting complicatedly harder when i grow up. But i'm thankful, i passed phase to phase quite remarkably well. Most of them of course la exams coz thats how i trace back my life's timeline. Haha.
See, the things is, i am what i've been dreaming of back then. I am a little different physically and mentally nowadays, but still, i am what i always wanted to be when i was young, and dangerous, and kinda stupid. Yes, when u were young, that's the right time to become stupid coz if u're stupid when u're an adult, u didn't deserves to be called stupid anymore, you should be called dumbfuck, or anything way serious and meaner than that.
I always think when i'm in my current condition, i'll have my own assets which i bought using my own money but i was wrong, remarkably wrong. Life, as an adult is nowhere easy to start with. You think UPSR, PMR, and SPM is hard? Think again. Being and adult is waaaaaaaaaayyyyy more harder than facing those easy peasy examination. (bila dah besar sumpah semua jadik kacang, i never really know why, haha)
When u're and adult, you have to think about 1001 details u never really have to think of when u're young.
The good thing about being an adult is, it makes me feel thankful for each and everything i had. The moments. The precious moments. You cannot experience childhood twice.
When i'm here, as an adult, where the old 15 years old me furiously wanted to be, i'm feeling so gracefully thankful. I am the future where i used to imagine, to be in.
Now, this is the future. The scenery, the physical, emotional, and mental condition.
U'll realize how precious it is to fully enjoy the present and be thankful with it when u've reached this level of enlightenment. You'll never reach the past again, But, u'll always face the present and the future at the same time without fail.
Embrace each and every second of yours preciously because u'll never know how mentally and emotionally long it takes for you to be in this current condition of yours. (mentally and emotionally because counting moments in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years is not dramatic, at all ; they're lack of feelings, in this case)
Have fun, be crazy, go crazy, be stupid and be happy since every feelings u've been going through is more precious than any diamonds and pearls.
(40 minutes later, this piece of shit is finished)